happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
