you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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