You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
