I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
