cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
