You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
