Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So much rum. So many feels.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
