you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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