listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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