My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
