I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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