Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
