Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
