You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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