four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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