You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
