I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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