yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm just crazy horny about you
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
