she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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