last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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