that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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