I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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