it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
