I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I could make wine with my vomit
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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