hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
