I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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