im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
