please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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