so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
