I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Another day, another engagement, another cat
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
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