if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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