Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just found a bag of teeth...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
