Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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