so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
