If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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