I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
