My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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