we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Randomize
