I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
