3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
