I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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