Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
