...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
