What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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