i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize