you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just googled if crying burns calories
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
