I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
