I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
