Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
