Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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