if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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