so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize