Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
