I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
