Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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