I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
