I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
be right there i have to get my cape
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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